During a recent conversation with an old friend, our topic of discussion reminded me of a journal entry that I had written not too long ago. I gave her my best recall effort but promised that I would look for it as soon I had a free moment to re-read it as soon as I could.
After a couple of days of searching through the numerous notebooks and journals on my shelves I finally found my journal. Ironically, the date of the journal entry was 11/5/2019. The day I found it, 11/5/2020. Nah, not freaking crazy in the least.
Well friend, as promised, here it is. I thought you’d want me to share it with the world as well, so here goes.
I hope you all find profound peace and joy during my very favorite time of the year. The time we celebrate all we are grateful for and for all that is to come.
. . .
Tuesday, November 5, 2019
I just said goodbye and I love you to someone I’ve been holding onto for way too long. She had become like a distant friend over the past years. More and more distant as each year had passed. But this morning, she and I stood at the edge of an island on a cliff overlooking the captivating dark blue waters. I hugged her tight, I kissed her cheek, I told her I loved her, and that I didn’t need her anymore. And then I watched her dive, graciously and gracefully, into the ocean.
She continued to watch me as I watched her ride the tide further and further out to sea until we both became tiny specks against our different backdrops as our eyes were no longer able to focus. And yet, we could still feel each other’s presence – her red, fiery warmth; my blue calm, coolness.
I don’t want to forget this picture of her and I standing along this cliff. With the sparkling ocean in front of us. It’s vastness, it’s power, it’s calming and soothing comfort. How with each breath – inhale and exhale – she rode the tide. My breath carried her away. My breath was her tide. Closer to me and then further out. My breath was her goodbye.
I felt the closest I had ever felt to her at that very moment. Acknowledging each other’s strength and power, but also each other’s chaos and rage. I didn’t need her power anymore. I had finally achieved my own sense of strength and power.
I was sad to see her go but knowing that I had sent her away somehow gave me a sense of relief. I was relieved for the strength that I had to do so and that I was now free to move around in my own skin and in my own self. I now had more room to breathe. She tended to control that breath of mine. She would seize my breath for her own. But she has her own freedom now and I have mine. She was rage. She was skepticism and self-doubt. She was worry and angst. She was a fighter – a silent one at best – and successful. She knew just how to pull me back, to harness my spirit.
I believed in her. I admired her control, strength, and abilities. But today I’ve gained my own. She instilled a quality of life that was once upon a time was comfortable and familiar. She was that friend that allowed external forces to define her and then acted on those experiences whenever she felt necessary, and rightfully so. She was a protector. But I no longer need her protection. Today, I have a new quality of life, one that I have defined and determined. One where I allow internal forces to be my source of strength.
Thank you, friend, for all you’ve done and for precisely who you are. For you or me. And you are free. Free from me and now I am free. I will do my best to allow myself to honor the grief I have from letting go of you and losing you, of setting you free, and I free, of one another.
I love you.