My hyper-protection was a means to overcompensate for the lack of real protection I was able to give. I kept you fed, clean, out harms way, away from people that I thought would ‘contaminate’ your innocent being. I didn’t want to leave you with others in fear that they may harm you like they harmed me (when I was your young age).
Having a child, while a miracle of life in itself, filled my heart with abundant, unconditional joy and love; it subconsciously reminded me of my child-like self that lacked some essential needs and that scared the shit out of me. I wanted to shield you from the world. But our little world was a million times more destructive than what was going on outside those walls. God, I wish I would’ve known that back then. We weren’t there for you. We failed your basic emotional needs – trust, commitment, confidence, stability, safety and guidance.
You were such a good baby, sweet, loving, charming, creative, smart, talented, you never wanted to do wrong. We praised you for these things. Selfishly your being so smart and talented and praising you for that made me feel like I was doing something good or right as a parent (ah, I could do something right). I worry that these failures led to too much stress in your later years. That praise may have become a burden placed on your shoulders to achieve more and therefore, defining your worth through those achievements. It may have pushed you into a path of perfectionism that, well honestly isn’t a thing.
Nothing can be perfect especially us humans. Instead, perfectionism is a way to stay isolated. It’s a means to deflect shame and hurt. Your heart deserved – deserves – to feel that you are enough. As a young child, I prayed for your safety and health and that you would be surrounded by good souls. My prayer for you today is that you can sink into the belief that YOU, just you, are absolutely enough!!
And please know that I failed, as a woman at those times in my life not because you were given to me, but because I never believed that I was enough. Not one day, not ever, did I or do I not thank God for you!! You’re a part of me. You’re a part of your dad. We created your life and your life has recreated mine. And, for that I will be eternally grateful.
Love you more than you know,
Mom
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