My Dearest King-
This past week, even the past two weeks, have plain sucked. Work issues, rumor shit, new diet (with no cocktails), social crap, burst pipes, etc. etc. These issues created a place for you to crawl back into. I was separately finding myself in a dark space of my own. The distance was there. We ignored it and gave extra effort into putting focus on each other. It was strained. We didn’t kiss as much as normal this past week. We bickered and poked at each other. It felt so unnatural. I didn’t find myself worrying at all; just at times concerned for you and your heart. I wanted to take you away from it all. But more so I wanted to turn off all that was racing in your head. I feel like our conversations were few. Phone calls and texts from others were constant. Work was busy. People were in and out of the house. We had to put our clothes back on:-) I think that may have been where some of the discomfort came from. We were feeling so free and sporadic with being naked – amazing how shedding our layers frees us so! Oh, the meaning there. Nonetheless, our week was something out of the pits. We handled everything as best we could but at the same time the distance was there.
After hanging up with you on my way home from orientation tonight, my eyes filled with tears (and are now) as I thought about your voice and hearing you talk to me and well, just how much I am so in love with you. I realized that my annoyance and distance this past week was due to our summer coming to an end. My last free week is over. Back to school.
I then thought back to those times in counseling when the focus would be on me and my fleeting thoughts of going back to school. You would sit next to me on the couch, with your arm around me and just look at me with that look, the “Yeah, it’s time to talk about you and your hopes” look. Back then I was so worried about doing anything for ‘me’ – anything that would take me away from you. I was worried that it would create a divide of sorts. I had no desire to just do my thing and you do your thing-separately. I didn’t want to abandon you and I didn’t want you to abandon me. I was worried that you would feel like I left you if I went to school. I worried that you’d want to do your own thing without my involvement.
Well, here I am, here we are, going into my third year of college. And you’ve been in it every part of the way with me! I started running, you’re there at my races; then school started, you listened to me read my rough drafts, you took surveys for me, you texted me in class, you quizzed me. In no way has this journey been just me doing my own thing. We’ve said it numerous times, quoting Finn from Great Expectations, “Everything I do, I do for you,” and it couldn’t be any more true.
I am where I am, right here, right now, today, at this very moment, because of you being in it every step of the way with me. You have led me through this journey by encouraging me and reminding me to spread my wings and fly. You have pushed me to keep going – to keep running and you’ll be there checking in on me and tracking my pace and more importantly, be at the finish line recording every moment. You’ve made it so I don’t even think about many steps along the way because you’ve got them covered somehow. And at times you’ve left me be – to reflect and write and breathe. And that again you do, by not separating from me, but through keeping watch over my solitude.
We are one. You are my protector, my leader and I am your nurturer, your roots. Together we breathe a type of life that is hard to put into words. A life that many don’t understand. At times we don’t understand. Then again, life is hard. But I wouldn’t want it any other way – with you.
You are my everything.
I love you!